Ouch Podcast #22 – Christmas 2007
bbc.co.uk/ouch/podcast

MAT	Welcome to the Ouch Christmas show from BBC Radio Theatre in central London!
	
AUDIENCE	[cheers]

LIZ	Hello, it’s the Podcast. I’m Liz Carr.

MAT	I’m Mat Fraser

LIZ	It’s the Christmas Podcast!

MAT	I know, it’s very exciting!

LIZ	And we’re not alone.

MAT	I know.

LIZ	There’s a few people in.

MAT	They sit amongst us.

LIZ	It’s quite exciting. Playing the theme tune today was the fantastic Derek Paravacini.

DEREK	Vacini!

LIZ	Is that right?

DEREK	That’s right.

LIZ	Perfect. How are you today Derek?

DEREK	All right thank you.

LIZ	Now you’re here with us because you’re going to be playing throughout the show, is that right?

DEREK	That’s right yes.

LIZ	What are you going to be playing? Anything and everything? Christmas songs?

DEREK	Er – Chestnuts Roasting?

LIZ	We like a bit of a Christmas song, we’ll be coming back to you later.

DEREK	A Christmas song, yes.

LIZ	And is it true that you know how to play about a million and a half songs?

DEREK	It is true, I know how to play about a million and a half songs, yes.

LIZ	That’s why we have the fantastic Derek on the show.

DEREK	Yes, it is.

LIZ	Ably assisted by Adam Oakleford, have I got that right?

DEREK	Ockelford!

LIZ	There we go – that’s how you pronounce it, thank you very much.

DEREK	A million and a half songs I can play, Adam.

ADAM	Not all tonight, though.

LIZ	Not all tonight. Look at this.

MAT	I know, it’s unbelievable; I’ve never seen an audience like this in my life. Listeners of the Podcast, try to picture the scene. You’re on stage, you’re looking out, there’s a sea of faces, that’s all the normal sort of thing, except the entire front row, AND some front row in front of them, are all wheelchair users.

LIZ	Yes, it’s like a special school assembly in here. That’s what it looks like, pretty much.

	
MAT	Actually is there a fire officer anywhere in the building? Because I really want them to come in and just see this, and have a heart attack.

LIZ	And we are being ably assisted today, ladies and gentlemen, by the fantastic Rob Crossan. Rob. Come on. 

MAT	Rob, you’re looking fantastic. Para-pa-pum pum

ROB	Thank you so much.

LIZ	Rob why are you dressed up as the little drummer boy?

ROB	I had no choice in the matter whatsoever. It was probably your idea, wasn’t it? 

MAT	No!

LIZ	No no. So we should tell you, today’s show isn’t in the usual format, we’ve got a quiz with contestants. So first things first, I’m going to be the quiz mistress. Mat, you’re banished away – the first time we’ve been separated. We were like conjoined presenters. So let’s find out who we’ve got as guests. Joining Mat as team captain is Steve Day, deaf comedian. 

STEVE	Hello.

LIZ	You’re going to be providing the comedy element for Mat.

STEVE	Yeah. It’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it.

LIZ	It’s about time. Thank you. The other team leader is – boo hiss – we have the fantastic Laurence Clark. Ouch regular, Laurence Clark. Good to have you back on the show, and you are joined by the fantastic star, formerly of Eldorado and The Office fame – it’s Julie Fernandez.

	
JULIE	Good evening.

LIZ 	You all right, Julie?

JULIE	I am! Looking forward to tonight. 

LIZ	Bit of female power here!

	
JULIE	Absolutely.

LIZ	We’re a bit outnumbered. 

JULIE	We are a bit.

LIZ	 So we’ve got to – louder voices and all that.

JULIE	Oh, I’ve got a loud voice.

LIZ	OK, that’s what we want. Now this is radio, no one can see you – thought it might be good just to de-humanise you for a minute and just find out what’s wrong with you all, basically. Not you Mat. Not you. We know what’s wrong with you. Steve?

	
STEVE	Me? I’ve got flu. I’ve got man flu.

LIZ	Really? Excellent. 

STEVE	I’m not well.

LIZ	Really. And are you taking anything for it?

STEVE	I’m taking a well-known cough remedy and it’s not working. 

LIZ	Isn’t it? Poor you. Bless you.

STEVE 	I’m a man and I get man flu. That’s what I’ve got. 

LIZ	So it’s really quite serious – you’ve just got the snuffles?

STEVE	If I’m lucky later, yes.	
		
MAT	This is like the 70s.

STEVE	Oooooh, missus. Ohhhh no. Don’t you start.

LIZ	Laurence?

LAURENCE	What’s wrong with me?

LIZ	Yes.

LAURENCE	A mixture of beer and wine.	

LIZ	
OK. Never mix your drinks. 

LAURENCE	I know that now.

LIZ	And Julie?

JULIE	I am a lazy cow.

LIZ	OK, thank you. Good to have another one on the panel.

JULIE	Absolutely, but you’re even more lazy because you’re in an electric wheelchair.

LIZ	Oh, I see! Or maybe I’m just smart?

JULIE	Yeah, I think so.

LIZ	The quiz features a selection of questions from disability in years gone past, courtesy of BBC Archives. It’s very exciting. Some more recent disability happenings, and being Christmas it’s got a festive touch to it. Are you ready? Round one. Mat – can you name all of the dwarves in Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?	
		
MAT	Seven dwarves? Right – um, er, Dopey?

LIZ	Uh-huh. Could be some time, this.

MAT	Grumpy. Happy. Sneezy. Queasy. 	

JULIE	Spazzy?

MAT	Don’t say – we’re not allowed, sorry. Can I confer?

LIZ	You can confer – it’s fine, yes.

STEVE 	What’ve we got so far?

MAT	Dumpy.
	
STEVE	Frumpy?

MAT	Fliddy?

STEVE	Slaggy?

LIZ	I think actually they’re better names than the originals.

MAT	I’m ashamed to say, I don’t.

LIZ	I’ll pass it over to the other team.

JULIE 	Right, what did we have – Dumpy, Frumpy, Glumpy, Shmumpy…	

MAT	
Is that a Jewish one?

LAURENCE
	Deafie, Blindie and Fliddy.

MAT	That was cruel.

JULIE	That’s about 16 – that’s right isn’t it?

STEVE 	Did they go in a minibus? They go on a tour?

JULIE	And then they start licking the windows. 

MAT	On their way to the Palladium.

LIZ	It’s more like the audience to be honest.

LAURENCE	Bashful.

LIZ	Yes, Bashful. It’s quite pathetic. They are people, dwarves. Come on. We should be embracing them. 	

AUDIENCE MEMBER	Doc!!	

LAURENCE	Oh, Doc!	

MAT	Doc! Wasn’t he the old one?

JULIE	Sporty?

MAT	Sporty? Now that would have been a good tribute band!

STEVE	Is there a Posh?

MAT	Posh dwarf. Yeah.

JULIE	Scary?

LIZ	No, stop it now, that’s enough. Quit. You didn’t do bad – we had Bashful, Doc – Doc! How can we not know Doc?  

MAT	Sorry.

STEVE	No idea.

LIZ	Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy. I would have given you seven points. I’m going to give you – four points. 	
		
MAT	It’s fair. Can I just say something though? Last year, I was in this short film, and we needed a fight in the film. And we were looking for a short-statured actor that could do wrestling. This is about the last week in November. So I phoned up Willow, the famous short people agency that’s run by Warwick Davis, who played Willow in the film, and subsequently set up his own short people agency, and said “I don’t really know how to say this but have you got any dwarf people that fight, that wrestle?” and he went “What, at this time of year?” That’s actually true, that actually happened. I was like “What? Oh yeah! Yeah, of course. Panto. Right.”  So there we go.

JULIE	Hey Liz, do we get any points?

LIZ	Well did you actually get any? You were quite original.	

LAURENCE	We got Bashful and Doc.

LIZ	And you were funny with your Sporty. I liked that. What did I give them, four? You can have two.

JULIE	Thank you.

LIZ	Because I like you. That’s fine. In the original fairy tale, the dwarves didn’t have names. Moving on. Take a listen – Steve…

STEVE	The irony of that statement.

LIZ	I know. Do you like the dramatic pause as well? Take a listen to this clip.

[Unclear speech
Translator: It is not blindness or deafness that bring me my darkest hours.

Unclear speech

Translator: It is the acute disappointment in not being able to speak normally.]

MAT	It’s the Queen, there.

LIZ	Does anyone want to hazard a guess as to who that was?

JULIE	Were they speaking Gaelic?

LIZ	Really? No one knows? No one on the panel? Are you not just being dense? Anyone out there in the audience now?

AUDIENCE	Helen Keller!	

LIZ	Helen Keller. 

STEVE	Helen Keller – wow. 

LIZ	Helen Keller – deafblind activist, author, lecturer and American icon – obviously not a UK icon - Helen Keller.

STEVE	I’ve never heard her speak before, that’s all. I haven’t got any of her albums, or anything..,

LIZ	
What’s the name of the 1962 film about Helen Keller’s life?

STEVE	Errr…. “Don’t Poke Me, You Bastards” ?

LIZ	
Is that a porn film?

STEVE 	Yeah, that’s the X rated version

LIZ	That’s the Channel 5 version.

STEVE 	1962? How old do you think I am? It’s called – er  “Sign of the Times”. No no, she can’t see it. It’s “Feel me – touch me…”

MAT	Touch Me In The Morning?

STEVE	No that’s a song. Diana Ross.

LIZ	Mat’s giving out his own sign language there

STEVE	I don’t know, um, “The Power and the Glory”. “Lust For Power – Helen Keller”. “Helen Keller – How I Won The War”. I don’t know. 

LIZ	We’re going to end up playing charades, aren’t we? OK, other side. Question goes to the other side. 
	
JULIE	“Born Free.”

LIZ	No.

LAURENCE	“A Shot In The Dark” 

LIZ	Audience?

AUDIENCE	“The Miracle Worker”.

LIZ	“The Miracle Worker”

STEVE	Never heard of it.

LIZ	Originally a play, translated into a film in 1962 when Patty Duke played Helen. Question for Laurence Clark. On the October edition of the Ouch Podcast, our guest was blind psychic Sharon Neill. She looked deep into Mat Fraser’s psyche - it was scary. Can you remember what she saw?

LAURENCE 	I actually listened to that one as well. 

MAT	Really? I didn’t listen to the one you were on. No, I did.

	
LIZ	Do you only listen Laurence to hear yourself giving out the address? “Oh I sounded good this month!”

LAURENCE	No, it was that you’re sort of – caring. No?

LIZ	Does the silence tell you you’re not close? 

LAURENCE	Talented?

LIZ	Rob, let’s see if anyone in the audience knows.

ROB	Anybody?

LIZ	The question is – in the October edition when Sharon Neill was in, the blind psychic; she looked deep into Mat Fraser’s psyche. What did she see?

ROB	Anybody listen to the Podcast, ever? No?

	
LIZ	Take a guess?

ROB	Oooh, ooh, got one, got one. OK, what’s your name?

SHARON	I’m also Sharon, but I’m not psychic.

ROB	Sharon Not Psychic – not the best nickname, but what’s the answer?

SHARON	I think it was something along the lines of deep and thoughtful or deep thinking or something to that effect

LIZ	Pretty much. 

ROB	Is she right?

LIZ	She said that Mat was a ‘very deep thinker’. 

STEVE	I’m still puzzled about this – a blind cyclist? Is there like a blind Tour de France? How do they do it – does she whizz past you and notice you were a deep thinker as you were cheering her on?

	
MAT	Not cyclist. Psychic.

STEVE	Ohhhh – I see! You mean like Deputy Dawg – sidekick?

MAT	Not sidekick – using all the old material! 

STEVE	Ohhhhh – psychic! Sorry. 

JULIE	Crystal ball. 

STEVE 	And she saw wisdom or something in you?

LIZ	She saw he was a deep thinker. 

STEVE	She wasn’t very good, was she?

LIZ	Julie. Are you ready?

JULIE	I’m ready.

LIZ	OK, to get us in the mood for the next question, here’s a clip from the annual appeal for “Wireless for the Blind” on Christmas Day 1944.

“Many people are lonely. Perhaps you are lonely. Certainly many blind people are lonely. So, take a thought for your blind neighbour in your village or town, and go and see him this Christmas time. And if you find that he is agreeable, go for a walk with him or read the paper to him. You won’t find that this is a one-sided friendship. It is a contact that will bring much good to both of you. He or she may be a very interesting person too.”

[stunned laughter, applause]	
		
JULIE	What if he’s not agreeable?

LIZ	If he’s not agreeable?

JULIE	What if he’s a boring bastard?

LIZ	You befriend him anyway.

JULIE	Oh, great. 

LIZ	That was the then Vice Chairman Ian Fraser, who was, interestingly, blind himself.  I think a lot of people had been agreeable with him, don’t you? But – which is nothing to do with the clip that you’ve heard – which famous festively fictional – oh, could you make it any harder for me? Which famous festively fictional disabled person said that he hoped people saw him in church because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to remember upon Christmas Day who made lame beggars walk and blind men sing?

	
AUDIENCE	Aaaaaaaah..

LIZ	Come on, even the audience know this.

JULIE	Tiny Tim

LIZ	Yes! From?

JULIE	A Christmas Carol.

LIZ	Three points. But Julie tell me, isn’t it true that you and Mr Laurence Clark went to school together?

JULIE	Not only that, we were in the same class together, since we were twelve.

LIZ	No way.

MAT	Did you do it?

JULIE	What’s that? Sing?

MAT	No, you know, did you get off with each other?

JULIE	Did we?

LAURENCE	No.

JULIE	 I can’t remember. 

LAURENCE	I’m sure I would have remembered.

MAT	You say that now, Laurence, you say that now.

LIZ	What was Christmas like at special school? 

JULIE	It was brilliant.

LIZ	Really?

JULIE	Yeah – brilliant Christmas dinner and a day off school – it was fantastic.

MAT	A day off school, on Christmas Day? 

LIZ	Just the one day? How lucky you were!

JULIE	It was a boarding school. We even had Saturday school, would you believe it?

STEVE	Did you have an able bodied person come in to show you how lucky you were? Is that how you found out he was Tiny Tim, in the changing rooms afterwards? Sorry, this is too rude.

JULIE	It’s much too rude!

STEVE	Well you started it. 

MAT	
I did not start your smut.

STEVE	“Did they get off with each other”?

LAURENCE	
It was bloody hard to get off with anyone. If you were in the same room as someone of the opposite sex, you couldn’t close the door.  People would put their heads around the corner every five minutes just to check if anything was happening.

JULIE	It’s a bit different now – they’ve actually got facilitators. So students who are of a certain age, who wish to have a little bit of nookie, can have a facilitator.

	
MAT	Yeah?

LIZ	Oh, don’t give him ideas. “Miss, Miss, I need a facilitator” 

Mat	I don’t usually have to say that at home, but perhaps I’ll try it tonight when I get home – “Miss, I need a facilitator”. 

LIZ	That is the end of round one – the fantastic glamorous assistant Vaughan – can you push that bit of paper a bit closer? OK, the scores are really exciting. Laurence and Julie, you’ve got 11 points.  Mat and Steve, 6 points.

MAT	Nothing to do with the fact that they’re wheelchair users and you’re a wheelchair user, is it?

LIZ	It’s the wheelchair posse, Mat. Give them another two, that’s fine. Time for a bit of an interlude. Now Laurence, on the last Christmas podcast, people still write in because you did a bit of singing. 

LAURENCE	Yes.

LIZ	It was quite a special moment, wasn’t it? Silent Night.

LAURENCE	It was very special, yes.

LIZ	You will notice on our left we have Derek, our pianist. Would you like to go and make friends with him, see what he can tinkle on the ivories for us? See what might develop?

LAURENCE	OK. 

DEREK	Can hear you Laurence.

	
LIZ	Laurence, say hello to Derek.

LAURENCE	Hello, Derek!

DEREK	Hello Laurence!

LAURENCE	Hello!

LIZ	Have a bit of a conversation beyond ‘hello’? It’s amazing you did get married in the end, Laurence. Your chat up skills – a little bit more than hello, maybe? No, I’m not moving on until they’ve had a conversation. It’s for your own good.  You need to learn these social skills. 

LAURENCE	OK Derek, shall we do a little song?

DEREK	A little song Laurence – yeah!

LAURENCE	OK.

DEREK 	Deck the halls – intro. 

LAURENCE	Deck the halls with bows of holly
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly.
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Troll The ancient Yultide carol 
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Hail the new year, lads and lasses
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Sing we joyous all together
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
Heedless of the wind and weather
Tra-la-la-la-la, la la la la.

	
AUDIENCE	[cheers] More, more!!!	

LIZ	
And there’ll be more coming your way later. Thank you, Derek, and Laurence.

LAURENCE	Was that special enough?

LIZ	It was pretty special. 

DEREK	Yeah!

LIZ	And the lyrics being held by Julie, I like that.  Round two. Question for Mat: Elite wheelchair racer Tanni Grey Thompson…

MAT	Phwoooarr!

LIZ	….retired this February. But – how many gold Paralympic medals has she won?

MAT	She’s done it four times, hasn’t she? She’s probably won about three times a go – three fours are twelve. Twelve.

LIZ	Really?

MAT	Yes.

LIZ	Maybe minus one?

MAT	Is the number – eleven?

LIZ	Absolutely!

MAT	Yeah!

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

LIZ	For a bonus point though – name another disabled athlete.

MAT	Current? Or historical?
	
LIZ	Current. And it can’t be Ade Adepitan. You can’t pull him out of the bag.

	
MAT	Gong. Gong, the armless swimmer from the People’s Republic of China. I think you’ll find I’m right.

LIZ	Are you making this up?

MAT	No, I’m not, because I worship the water that Gong swims in, because you know how when a swimmer gets to the end, the end of their long, long swimmer’s arm, tippy fingers, touches the end and they do that underwater turn around? Not with Gong. Gong just goes bang, straight into the end of the swimming pool with his head, and that’s how he knows he’s at the end, and turns round and goes back the other way. He’s my hero – Gong.	

LIZ	Fantastic, thank you. However, since I’ve not heard of him, you get no points.

AUDIENCE	[boos]

LIZ	This isn’t panto, people!	

		
MAT 	Oh yes it is!

STEVE 	It’s behind you!

MAT	Shall we boo her, children?

AUDIENCE	[boos]

MAT	Get used to that – it’s going to happen a lot at Edinburgh next year.

LIZ	Oh – it’s coming in from the producer, they’ve just checked it on Wikipedia – it is true!

Mat	I know!

AUDIENCE	[cheers]
	
LAURENCE	Because Wikipedia is so reliable.

LIZ	I know. It says you’re talented.

MAT	It says you’re popular.

LIZ	Is it just me, or does Tanni have unfeasibly big hands? Don’t you think?

	
MAT	That’s cruel, Liz. 

LIZ	No, I’m just saying.

Mat	Well probably they’ve overdeveloped, haven’t they, over the last twelve years.

LAURENCE	No, I saw her on – I think it was The One Show – it was about her visiting the house that she grew up in that wasn’t adapted in any way, so she had to crawl and physically pull herself up the stairs every day, so that’s maybe why she’s got the big hands. 

LIZ	It’s like evolution. Steve, are you ready? Every Christmas, Steve, disabled people look forward to their DLA – Disability Living Allowance – holiday bonus. We do. But how much is it?

STEVE	I got my letter yesterday and you know what, this year, do you know how much it is? All in one go? It’s ten pounds!!	
		
AUDIENCE	[cheers]

STEVE	I’ve got it – I don’t know how to spend it, it’s too much! I can’t take it!

LIZ	Really? So how are you going to spend it?

STEVE	Oh I’ve got five kids so – I don’t know – some condoms?  Oh, I didn’t say that.

LIZ	They’ll get two pounds each.

MAT	Nothing rude about the condom. 	

STEVE	I’m going to buy – oh, some more Covonia. I’ve had half a bottle here today. I’m absolutely loving this. Never mix Covonia and red wine, that’s what I say.

LIZ	Mat, what are you going to buy with yours?

MAT	I have no need of your paltry little – what is it called – DVA bonus or something? For I am a Thalidomide, and we were compensated really rather well, thank you very much. I don’t need the money, ta. No no, I’m only joking. 

LIZ	That’s won you a lot of fans, hasn’t it? “By the way, I’m rich whatever”.

MAT	They always hate the rich crips anyway. They’ve always hated us, they always will. Right Fred? Yeah. There is another one amongst us, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t turn round and look at his little flippers, it’ll embarrass him. 

LIZ	OK, I’m moving on. OK, Laurence. 

LAURENCE	Because I’m married to a disabled person, we get twenty pounds!

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

LIZ	It’s going to be quite a Christmas in your home.

MAT	Now don’t you go – your kid, what’s he called?

LAURENCE	Tom.

MAT	Tom. Don’t you go doing a Katie Price, all right? Keep him well away from the fire, just so you can have thirty quid for next year. What?

LIZ	Now who’s being booed?

LAURENCE	Can I just ask – in the letter, it says if you get it twice, if you get extra benefits, you’re meant to give one back. Has anyone ever actually done that? 
	
JULIE	No.	
		
LIZ	No.	

MAT	
Interesting question. Let’s take a vote. No.

LIZ	Let’s not. With inflation, a tenner in today’s money would be worth £91.19.

JULIE	How do you work that out?

LIZ	I went onto the Retail Price Index. I know that’s boring.

JULIE	Did you? That’s very clever of you.

LIZ	I know, I know.  It’s OK isn’t it, but a tenner?

JULIE	I could do a lot with £91.

LIZ	You could do a lot with a tenner. Did you know you can buy a Jamie Oliver Flavour Shaker?

JULIE	Lovely.

LIZ	Perfect gift for the epileptic in your life.

JULIE	Absolutely perfect.

STEVE	If I had £91, I’d divide it up into lots of little bits and donate it to the Labour Party in lots of different names. Or, failing that, buy some teddy bears…

MAT	Oh, hold on, it’s topical!

LIZ	Topical.

STEVE	Teddy Bear For Sudan campaign, and send them all teddy bears with nice little names. Jesus the teddy bear. Buddah, the teddy bear. He’s another one.

LIZ	I so know that’s going to be cut out of the real show.  OK, question for Laurence. Take a listen to this – it’s Sarah Greene on Blue Peter in November 1980.

“The people were kind, but Joey couldn’t tell them what he wanted or how he felt, because nobody could understand the noises he made. Until the day in 1941, when another patient who was also a spastic arrived. He was called Ernie. If you’ve never seen a severely handicapped person trying to speak before, it can be a bit alarming. But Joey wasn’t just making wild grunts - he was actually talking. And the amazing thing was that Ernie could understand him.”

AUDIENCE	[laughter]

LAURENCE	Wow.

JULIE	Grunt for me Laurence – grunt!

LIZ	“If you’ve never heard a severely disabled person speaking, it can be quite alarming” We should have warned the audience before they came in. Anyway. Laurence, who was the lovely Sarah Greene talking about?

LAURENCE	Um, Joey, Joey – what’s his surname, damn? 

MAT	Was it Deacon?

LAURENCE	It was! Joey Deacon!

LIZ	That’s the one. Yes, Joey Deacon originally came to the public’s attention in about ’74, and then in ’79, Blue Peter thought that children would be able to relate to a sixty-year-old spastic. Sadly, they got it a little bit wrong, as his name became playground bullying fodder the very next day. Did it have any effect on anyone here?

MAT	I loved him, because it gave me a whole year off being Flid. 

JULIE	I must tell you this – I went up for an audition for Blue Peter once but actually, they wouldn’t even audition me, because they said that part of the audition process was to do a piece to camera on a bucking bronco. I have brittle bone disease. Didn’t even get a chance to get my foot in the door.

LIZ	Rob, can we have the house lights up please? Rob, I’d like to ask the audience what names they were called at school. Were they called Joey or were they called other things? Let’s see if they’ll let us in to this.

MAT	Let’s take a trip down Disability Insult Memory Lane.

ROB	Oh, got one, OK. Sorry, excuse the drum. Thanks for making me dress up like this for a radio show, by the way. What’s your name?

JULIA	My name’s Julia.

ROB	OK Julia, what did they used to say?

JULIA	Actually they didn’t say words, I would get barked at like a dog. But I figured that’s not because I’m mental but because I was kinda ugly.

MAT	Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t mean to appropriate any kind of…. but is that woman ugly?	
		
AUDIENCE	No.	

MAT	Would you want to bark at her? Steady on, chaps!

LIZ	That could be a yes. Anyone else? Come on - relive all those painful childhood memories. 

ROB	I am visually impaired, so if you’re going to stick your hand up, you’d better have big hands.

LIZ	There’s somebody towards the back. Big Tanni Hands in the air there. 

ROB	How on earth am I going to get all the way down there? Access requirements are being thrown to the wind.

LIZ	His big drum is hitting people on the head now. He’s walking through – people are standing up, those that can…

	
ROB	What’s your name?

LOUSIE	Louise.

ROB	Hi Louise. Regale us with your insult of bygone years.

LOUISE	I used to get called spastic and fat and all that. 

MAT	Make it funny, Liz. For God’s sake, quickly. It’s quite harrowing.

LOUISE	It was a special school as well. I got called names when I went to a special school.

LIZ	See, they’re worse aren’t they? People think send us to special school, it’ll be call – they’re the biggest bullies.

LAURENCE	And that’s just the teachers. 

ROB	It does seem to me though that disabled people bully people just as much as able-bodied people do. It makes no difference whatsoever.

	
LIZ	Well you’ve seen the panel. You know what we’re like.

ROB	Yeah, vicious. What’s your name?

MATILDA	I’m Matilda.

ROB	Hi Matilda. Regale the panel with your insults from yesteryear.

MATILDA	It’s a clever one. It’s a two-pronged one. I’m visually impaired, I play the piano, I was called Stephanie Wonder.

ROB	That’s quite witty – I’m in admiration, but obviously appalled. 

LIZ	That’s just wrong, but funny.

	
ROB	And did it put you off playing the piano, by the way?

MATILDA	I think probably my lack of talent put me off playing the piano. 	
		
LIZ	Rob, I’m going to have to pull you out of the audience, we’ve had the big noise - we have to move on. Thank you, audience. Sorry – there’ll be free therapy at the end of tonight’s show. 

MAT	Can’t we have some more later, though?

LIZ	Maybe we can.

	
MAT	I hope so.

LIZ	Question for you Julie, are you ready? In time for Christmas 1997, to increase the diversity of their dolls, Mattel brought out a friend for Barbie, who was in a wheelchair. What was she called?

[long silence]

This is great radio, this.

	
JULIE	Spazzalina? Oh, we’ve got it! Becky!

LIZ	Can you be even more specific?

JULIE	Rebecca?

LIZ	No. I’m going to give you two points, but she was called “Share A Smile Becky”.

JULIE	Oh, get away with you!

LIZ	And she’s with us tonight, ladies and gentlemen. 

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

JULIE	Oh, take a look at that – that’s so beautiful!

LIZ	That’s Paralympian.

JULIE	Oh, she is as well! It’s Tanni!

MAT	What’s wrong with the hands?

LIZ	Look at the hands! 
	
MAT	The hands are too small!

LIZ	Julie, describe that for our audience, please.

JULIE	OK, I’ve been given a box with a little dolly in it, a Barbie doll, and she’s sat in a three wheeled racing wheelchair and she looks great, but it’s like a Tanni Toy, she’s got huge hands!

LIZ	And she’s got a lovely helmet as well. That’s nice.

JULIE	A beautiful helmet, she’s dressed in blue and white and red. What have you got?

LIZ	This is Share A Smile Becky.

LAURENCE	Mine’s Casual Becky. 

	
JULIE	Can I show it to the audience?

LAURENCE	Yeah yeah

JULIE	OK, are you ready for this? 

Audience	Ooooh!

LAURENCE	She’s sort of smiling seductively. 

JULIE 	Can we vote which is the sexiest? Which one Ken would want to date, do you think?

	
LIZ	We have Share A Smile Becky, who sits in her wheelchair and I think, quite cruelly, has running shoes on.

JULIE	Oh, this is true!

LIZ	It’s a bit like ‘here’s what you would have won’. 

JULIE	The colours match her dress, so at least…

LIZ	It is quite sparkly. She has got her hand up, waving for all those people that pity her, so that’s nice. 

JULIE	Do we like this one?

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

JULIE	How about this one?

AUDIENCE 	[bigger cheer]

JULIE	She’s the winner. Tanni Toy is the winner.

LAURENCE	I like Casual Becky. She’s wearing leggings.

LIZ	So it’s like Chav Becky?

LAURENCE	Obviously she couldn’t wear a skirt. I thought I should just say.
	
LIZ	So she’s got comfortable elasticated waisted trousers.

JULIE	With Velcro, and little poppers.

LIZ	Do you know there was a big controversy when she came out by disability groups because her wheelchair didn’t fit into the Barbie doll’s house? Because it was inaccessible.

MAT	Just reflecting reality.

JULIE	Did they get an access grant?

LAURENCE	It does actually say in the corner of the box “Special Edition”.

LIZ 	I’m just looking forward to this year’s must have toy – Leg Bag Larry. And you can’t keep them, by the way.  They’re mine.

JULIE	Oh, I want it.

LIZ	They’re great. So at the end of round two, Laurence and Julie, you have 37 points. Mat and Steve, a very respectable 24 points. And it’s time yet again for another musical interlude. Laurence, would you sashay over there and have a little conversation with Derek?	

LAURENCE	
I sure will. Miss Fernandez and Mr Day, will you join me at the piano?

DEREK	Yes please Laurence!

LAURENCE	Let me get to the mic.

MAT	It’s a long and brave walk.

DEREK	Come on, Laurence. Come on, Laurence.

LAURENCE	OK, Derek, so what have you got this time?

DEREK	As Time Goes By?

LAURENCE	I was thinking more Jingle Bells.

DEREK	Jingle Bells, I’ve got for you Laurence. I’ve got for you Jingle Bells.

LAURENCE	OK!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh – hey
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
Over fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight

Everybody!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh – hey
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.

LIZ	Take a bow, take a bow. Final round, final question for you, Mat. Take a listen to this clip.

“Mongolism is really a mutation, it’s a breaking down of the genetic structure of the chromosomes, and in fact it does tend to occur during the latter part of a woman’s childbearing cycle.”

“In other words, the older the woman is, the more likely she is to have a mongoloid child?”	
		
	That was Radio 4 favourite Sue McGregor from World at One in 1969 but your question is Mat, why were people with Down’s Syndrome called Mongols? Are you all right there? I’ve never seen your face contort in that way!

MAT	Er, because – oh, er…

LIZ	Again, great radio. More breaths.

MAT	Interesting story about this Liz, because recently I happened to do a gig at the place where they invented the term Down’s Syndrome, which as you know took over from the ever-popular “mongoloid” word, and – I’m trying to pad, because I don’t want to say what I think the answer is.

LIZ	I can tell.

MAT	Is it because they thought that the people looked like they come from Mongolia?

LIZ 	That’s a yes, actually, Mat. For the first time tonight, somebody’s got a question right.	

AUDIENCE	
[cheers]

MAT	But no, wait. I don’t like that word.

LIZ	That’s fine – but that wasn’t the question. 

JULIE	That’s alright, we’ll have your points	

MAT	No, I’m not saying you must know what I, the great Mat Fraser thinks about certain situations.  No, I don’t mean that. No what I mean is…

LIZ	You can have ten points for it.

MAT	Oh, great! 

LIZ	“No, I don’t mind the term!”

JULIE	Liz, Laurence is busting a gut here. 

LIZ	Oh, sorry I forgot about you.

LAURENCE	That’s a good one that I actually knew – it was from Langdon Dowell.

MAT	That’s him. 

LAURENCE	He wrote a paper in 1866 called “The Ethnic Classification of Idiocy”.

MAT	Are you all sitting comfortably?

LAURENCE	So, the point is I once read it, and he gets loads of people with learning difficulties, and he gives them names according to where he thought they looked like they came from in the world. So you had Ethiopian idiots, as he called them, and Mongolian idiots. And that’s where it came from.

JULIE	Can we have some points for that, because that’s even cleverer. 

MAT	It’s educational.

LIZ	The audience are dead, but yes, you can have – how many? Eight? Eight. You could have written this. It says the term Mongols was first used in a paper, da-da-da. Yes. Thank you very much. Makes you wonder what kind of doctor Prader-Willi Syndrome was named after. I wonder. Don’t start talking about Thalidomide, Mat. 

MAT	I won’t.

LIZ	Steve. You’re going to get some points back for the team

STEVE	No I won’t.

LIZ	You are, it’s fine. Who went walking in the air this April?	

STEVE	Um, the young guy with the high voice who’s now sensible – no. Um, walking in the air – ahhhh, it’s my favourite – it’s Stephen Hawking. 	

LIZ	Congratulations. 

STEVE	The fact that you’ve just mouthed it to me doesn’t disembar me from any points? 

LIZ	Absolutely not, I’m giving you thirty. Do you know anything about what happened?

STEVE	Didn’t he go into space or something? He went weightless – he went on a weightless flight, and stuff like that. Did he?

LIZ	Yes. What would you do if you had zero gravity?

STEVE	Oh, I feel so weighed down at the moment with my cold. Did I tell you I’ve got man flu? 

LIZ	Yes. 

JULIE	Did his wife push him out of the shuttle and just leave him to float?

MAT	His wife? Push him? No no no, don’t say that. She gently coaxed him. That’s all that happened. 

JULIE	She patted him.

LIZ	Apparently disabled physicist Stephen Hawking took a zero gravity roller coaster flight in a high altitude plane dubbed “The Vomit Comet”. He spent four minutes weightless. 

JULIE	Oh lucky him.

STEVE	Did he get on first? Pre-boarding, obviously? Everybody looked at him – “Don’t let him go by the emergency door, you’ll never get out of here”. 

LIZ	Oh, I like that. Twenty points for that. Better punchline than we wrote so I’m moving on. Lovely. Laurence, are you ready?

LAURENCE	Yes.

LIZ	On the Ouch Podcast earlier this year we sent Roving Rob Crossan to see how many people used the accessible loos at Heathrow Airport. How many accessible toilets are there in the new Heathrow Terminal 5 building? 
	
LAURENCE	You’re just testing me aren’t you, as to whether or not I listen.

LIZ	Yes.

LAURENCE	Um, five.

LIZ	No.

JULIE	You schmuck. You listened to him?

LIZ	Are you reading the script?

MAT	No, I can’t see that far.

LIZ	Can’t you?

DEREK	Six?

LIZ	Six? You’re going for six, Derek?

DEREK	Yes, six. Yes.

LIZ	OK, you need to increase it quite a lot.

JULIE	Twenty three.

DEREK	Twenty three!

LIZ	Maybe if you suggest something like eighty one, you might be right.

DEREK	Eighty one.

LIZ	Eighty one – Derek, you’re right. 

JULIE	Eighty one toilets?

LIZ	Eighty one.

MAT	How big is this terminal?

LIZ	By way of comparison – I can’t believe this is research I’ve got here – in the new Heathrow Terminal 5, there are eighty one fully accessible toilets. By way of comparison, it says here, there are twenty six in Terminal 1. Good to know, isn’t it?  I’m always going to fly Terminal 5. 

JULIE	And every time I go to a toilet that’s for a wheelchair user a bloody able-bodied person walks out and goes “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Do you think that will happen, with eighty one toilets?

LIZ	No but you know what you need to do to get your own back? Just go to the normal toilets. It really freaks people out when you come out of them.

JULIE	This is true. Or I get my very very large Radar key and lock ‘em in.

MAT	But hold on a sec. Everybody knows that disabled toilets in Heathrow have always got spy cameras, because that’s where the people who last minute check in their illegal drugs, that’s where they go, isn’t it. Apparently.

JULIE	Oh, that’s what it’s all about!

STEVE	Did you send a man in a chocolate soldier outfit to visit every toilet in Heathrow? Finally found a job that he’s absolutely perfect for. Was it an enjoyable experience? 

ROB	I think we’ve come to the point in the evening where I could probably just go home now. Is that all right? That’s about the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Please don’t send me to Terminal 5. 

MAT	Is it in fact that there are only eighty one toilets in Heathrow Terminal 5 but they’re all accessible, or there are eighty one disabled toilets?

LIZ	There are eighty one accessible toilets.

MAT	A new inclusive design?

LIZ	That could be it.  I have no idea

	
ROB	Does that mean there’s no toilets for able-bodied people there? I like it.

LIZ	No, there’s three, but they’ve all got to use big keys to get in. Revenge is sweet.

MAT	And they’re in an office in Terminal 1.

ROB	And disabled people are allowed to go and flush loads and loads of lavatory paper down them whenever we want.

LIZ	Have you noticed how huge the toilet keys are? They’re massive, aren’t they? Absolutely massive. Have you got yours with you?

JULIE	Yes – I swear to God, you need to carry a separate bag. Look at it! It’s like the key to the city!	

STEVE	

Oh is that what it is?

LIZ	Do you think that’s why Tanni’s hands are so big?

LAURENCE	Maybe they modelled the key for Tanni.

LIZ	They used her as the model!

JULIE	So in this day and age of modern technology, why can’t we have a swipe card? No, we have to have a huge key. 

LIZ	Or, they could be really radical and keep them unlocked.  Me and my wild ideas.

STEVE	I just thought she was 21. I didn’t know what it was. 

MAT	Shall I talk about Thalidomide?

AUDIENCE	[cheers]	

LIZ	No.

MAT	It was a metaphor for – anyway. I find the Radar key discussion as fascinating as ever. 

LIZ	Oh, no. Does anyone in the audience have any disabled loo stories? Please regale.

ROB	Yes, please regale us.  There’s nothing we’d love more. Anyone at all? Everyone in the audience has got their hands up, I just can’t see.

LIZ	If you were called any playground taunts in the toilets, that’s a bonus.

MAT	He’s visually impaired; you have to make yourself known to him.

ROB	Come on, raise your arm if you’ve got one. OK, we’ve got one. What’s your name?

LISA	I’m Lisa.

ROB	OK Lisa, what’s your toilet tale?

LISA	A couple of years ago I was at a Scissor Sisters concert at Brixton Academy, and ladies and gents toilets, you get kind of a double door protection – you’ve got the cubicle, but also the men’s and women’s toilets are in their own little room, whereas the disabled toilet there is just off the main foyer, that everyone walks through to get in and out of the building. So the concert ends, I go and sit on the toilet, and a member of venue staff – no one told me before I went in there that the lock on the toilet door wasn’t working. So I’m sitting there on the toilet, thousands of people are walking past the toilet door to leave the concert and a member of venue staff just flings the toilet door open. So I scream, and everyone walking past turns to look, and she still doesn’t close the bloody door. And of course, because it’s a disabled toilet it’s about the size of this theatre, and so I can’t just reach to close the door either. 

ROB	Illuminating. Would you like a bang of the drum, would that make you feel better? Get it out of your system. There you go.

LIZ	Drumming therapy

MAT	That’s the best story

LISA	A year later I went to see the Scissor Sisters again, this time in Trafalgar Square and they decided to put the accessible portaloo in the middle of Trafalgar Square with crowds on all four sides. And the door to the portaloo opened outwards. And so I got in there, the door closed, the crowds formed around the toilet, and I couldn’t get out.

ROB	Was this loo actually on the fourth plinth? A disabled toilet on the fourth plinth would be amazing. 

LIZ	So are you going to see the Scissor Sisters next year?

LISA	Actually, I think it’s not safe.

LIZ	I’d just get the album if I were you. Final, final question to you Julie, are you ready?

JULIE	I’m ready.

LIZ	I’m going to read out a famous Christmas character’s medical notes. Got hold of them. Who am I talking about? He is from the Rangifer Tarandus species. His main diet is fungi and lichen, but on one day of the year he favours carrots. In one night, he is able to visit an estimated 91.8 million households. His first name is the same as an infamous Nazi from Hitler’s inner sanctum. He has a diagnosis of chronic rhinitis rufus, with unlikely inbuilt Tom-Tom satnav functionality. 

JULIE	Rudolph.

LIZ	Yay!

JULIE	Yay!

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

JULIE	I love the description, that’s awesome. 

LIZ	Isn’t that a cue for a bit of a Rudolph song?

DEREK	Yes. [plays intro]

MAT	Derek always does really good intros.

JULIE	Everyone’s got to join in on this one.

LIZ	I like this version of it, though.

EVERYONE	Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You could even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won’t you pull my sleigh tonight?

Then how the reindeer loved him
And they shouted out with glee
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
You’ll go down in history.

LIZ	Thank you! Huge round of applause for Derek Paravacni – thank you very much. Wonderful, wonderful. Well. That’s the end of the quiz.

JULIE	Hang on, hang on.

LIZ	No, the final scores – Laurence and Julie, you’ve come out at the end of the quiz with a fantastic 85 points.

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

LIZ	But Mat and Steve – you end tonight’s quiz with 85 points too.

AUDIENCE	[cheers]

LIZ	If nothing, we believe in equality here. Yeah yeah yeah. Let’s have a huge round of applause for our guests. We’ve had Derek Paravacini on piano, Adam Ockelford, the wonderful Laurence Clark, Julie Fernandez, Steve Day, and my cohort Mat Fraser. Boo.

	
MAT	And not forgetting Elizabeth Carr!

JULIE	How about Vaughan?

LIZ	And our lovely, lovely, lovely guy on the scores, Vaughan Simons. Without him it just would have been a mess of numbers. And of course our little drummer boy – para pa pum pum – Rob Crossan. He’s skipping across the front of the stage. Thank you. Now, we always play out each show with a piece of music. Today, tonight, it’s a little different. Step forward now our very own Matthew Fraser. And audience, get ready because this is going to be the first ever public airing of the Ouch Christmas single, that is available to download from the website. And its’ free. Free. Are you ready for the premiere, the world premiere, of “Cripples at Christmas”? 

	
MAT	Christmas is coming,
Decorating the tree, 
I am disabled, 
Would you put on the fairy for me?
But if you kissed me at Christmas 
Under the mistletoe, 
I’d put tinsel round your guide dog’s neck 
And it might even snow, uh oh ho.

If you’re a cripple at Christmas, let’s celebrate this time. 
We might not last, so raise a glass of medicine and wine. 
Whether spaz, blind, deaf or dumb, the dribbles from your rum 
Won’t burn a hole in your heart this Christmas time.

Now I have a friend who
Has no arms or legs, 
And down in the pub on Christmas Eve 
He drinks his glass to the dregs with a straw, yeah.
There once was a woman 
Used an electric wheelchair, 
She plugged in the fairy lights 
And sparkles lit up her hair - it was cool.

If you’re a cripple at Christmas, let’s celebrate this time. 
We might not last, so raise a glass of medicine and wine. 
When you’re terminally ill, spend now - don’t pay the bill, 
And do just what you want this Christmas time.

But think of the normal ones 
For they live amongst us, yeah. 
Let's give them our charity at this time
Mustn't stare, show we care ...
If you live in a care home, 
Try slipping booze in the punch, 
Or maybe some medication added to The Christmas lunch, for a laugh now.
And remember our loved ones 
Who are not with us today, I’d like to propose a toast  
To all of us who passed away - see you later.

If you’re a cripple at Christmas, let’s celebrate this time 
We might not last, so raise a glass of medicine and wine. 
And don’t be left alone, pulling your wishbone, 
Make sure you’re with someone at Christmas time. 
All the wobblers and the shakers feeling fine, 
  Yes, mutants, crips and gimps, it's Christmas time

.	
AUDIENCE	[cheers]	

		
LIZ	Thank you everyone and goodnight – have a fantastic Christmas or whatever you celebrate. Goodnight!