There are approximately 7,000 LGBTQ+ fostering families in the UK, according to The Fostering Network.
Married couple Darren Sharpe and James Wilkinson decided to foster in 2012, wanting to "make a big difference to a few people".
For Pride Month, we asked them to share their story and the joys of being gay foster carers.
The start of a fostering journey
James explains: “As gay men, Darren and I discussed having a family and how to go about it."
The couple went to an ‘alternative families’ conference in London, which had stalls about different types of parenting, where they spoke to people about fostering.
From there, they conducted more research and decided that fostering was the right route for them, as it allowed them to help children in need.
They approached a local agency via National Fostering Group to begin the process of applying to foster.
“[The agency] asked everything and anything about your childhood, how you were parented, your schooling, how you respond, how you react to different situations like trauma", says James. "It was exceptionally thorough.”
Darren adds: "Almost everything isn't a problem, so long as you are upfront about it."
From assessment to the first meeting
After an assessment process that lasted about three months, the couple were approved to become foster carers.
Darren remembers the initial meeting with their first foster child, Leo (not his real name).
“Leo seemed like a very meek child. I remember we went for a day out as a transition between where he was living and moving in with us.
We went to the zoo for the day, and he just came alive as the day went on. The trust was immediately built. I remember at the end of that day, we were like, “Oh my god, this is actually going to work. It's going to be alright.”
Leo was in Darren and James’ care for nearly 10 years. Now a young adult, he lives around the corner and is still a big part of their lives.
In 14 years, Darren and James have fostered 21 children, four of them in long-term foster placements, including Leo. Currently they foster two boys, who are siblings.
“We have conversations with the boys: they know that they have their own family and they speak to their family, but they also know that, from a day-to-day perspective, they're part of our family too,” Darren explains.
"You endeavour to make an impact, no matter how long you have them for.”
"I remember at the end of that day, we were like, “Oh my god, this is actually going to work. It's going to be alright.”
The challenges of fostering
Have the couple faced any challenges in 14 years?
“The most challenging aspect for me is that often a child’s age and their development stage don’t align,” James says.
“For example, our children have included those within the ages of six to eight, but they were more like three or four years from a developmental perspective."
For James, while this presents a challenge, it's one that can be met with the right mindset. "You’re just aware that you’re looking after them at [a different] developmental stage,” he adds.
Darren adds, “The thing I struggle with the most is when a child moves on. We set out for long-term fostering, but children move on for all kinds of reasons and often it’s in their best interests.
But when you take someone into your home and you love them and then you have to say goodbye, that does take time to get over. I'm happy to admit that.”
The couple say that their foster agency offer access to therapists, so carers can be given emotional support, as well as assistance from their social workers.
"When you take someone into your home and you love them and then you have to say goodbye, that does take time to get over."
"Should I get involved in fostering?" - Darren and James' thoughts
Darren and James want to encourage other people to consider fostering, including other couples or individuals who identify as LGBTQ+.
James says, “You can do short-term fostering, you can do parent-and-child fostering, or long-term fostering like us.”
Darren says, “There’s constant support. You’ve got a team of professionals around you. There’s a community, so you’re not on your own."
He adds: "There are many children that need fostering. They're all very different, and the homes that they require are all very different.
I think if you start with having a spare room [which you need to foster], but then also you've got the desire to help others and the capacity within your family life, your emotional life, and your work life - just give it a go.
We didn't consider it until we knew more about it. So, if you're thinking about it, go and find that information.”
“You’ve got a team of professionals around you, there’s a community, so you’re not on your own.”
Being LGBTQ+ foster carers
Has being gay every been a barrier for Darren or James, as foster carers?
“I've only ever felt embraced, liked and respected,” Darren says.
“When we joined the agency, there were other gay couples, so that helped. I think there was a kind of kinship there. So many of our friends have had their own children, it honestly isn't much of a big deal. It doesn’t crop up.”
James says: “From the children's perspectives, we've never had any issues. There's been an inquisitiveness - which is healthy and something that we engage with.
But there's never been a young person that's come to our home and been like, ‘I'm not staying here.’ Love is love, care is care, and I think we’ve been fortunate in that sense.”
Darren adds that being a gay foster carer has another advantage: “I feel people on the rainbow spectrum have so much to offer, because these kids are vulnerable, they feel out of place.
They're often hiding a lot, or they've got things going on in their head that they don't feel they can share.
They’re just trying to find their place in the world. For me, that reminds me of growing up and being gay. So, as carers we know what it is to feel different.”
“I've only ever felt embraced, liked and respected."
“I feel like fostering has given us family,” James says.
“I still, even now, regard it as a privilege to be entrusted with children that aren't biologically yours, and parent them and care for them.
It's completely enriched our lives, beyond any capacity that we thought was possible.”
