What is a tween and how to cope with them as a parent

For many parents it’s a shock when their child suddenly starts talking back, changing their appearance and wanting to spend more time with friends than family. But if your child is aged 8-12, it’s probably totally normal: You’ve hit the tween years.

The term is derived from “teenager” and “between” to describe the years between childhood and adolescence – typically from 8-12 years old. It’s when they're transitioning from being a child to a teenager.

Most people think of the teenage years as starting at the magic age of thirteen, but as with all things parenting, it depends on your individual child.

Puberty plays a huge role, and we know that this happens at different ages for all kids. Typically, you’ll start to notice physical and behavioural changes between the ages of 8-13 in girls and 9-14 in boys. These are triggered by puberty hormones and are an outward sign of the big changes going on in the brain.

In the tween years they can swing from more teenage behaviour back to being quite childish as they adjust to their changing body and interests.

Lots of parents notice their child shifting from being parent-focused to caring more about what other people their age think.

This might come out in your child talking back and challenging your ideas, ignoring instructions and pushing boundaries they’ve previously been fine about. It’s around this time that parents report complaints like, “But no-one else’s parents make them clear the table,” or “Everyone else in my class is allowed to stay up later.”

“There is an apparent shift in children’s attitude towards themselves and others around Year 5 and 6,” says Carly, a primary school teacher who has worked with 8, 9 and 10-year-olds for the past 15 years. “They become more self - and socially - conscious.”

This isn’t defiance or rejection of parents for its own sake – the brain undergoes major structural change in the tween years, which carries on through the teens into early adulthood. What worked to keep the infant and child safe - following the instructions of trusted caregivers – can’t go on into adulthood, so the brain starts to activate other regions for independent decision-making and identity.

It’s a long, slow process and the tween brain has to learn about the adult world in the same way they experimented as an infant. When your baby put everything in their mouth to explore the world, you understood it as a part of development. Now, your tween may be trying out new friends, new ways of thinking and new fashions.

Generally, girls tend to start puberty a year or so earlier than boys, so you might see your girl entering the tweens a bit younger, but it depends on the friends and classmates they’re surrounded by too. Even if your child isn’t showing physical signs of starting puberty, if their friendship group are changing priorities, your child may want to join in.

“In my experience, boys tend to mask their self-consciousness better than girls and the change we often see is impulsive and outlandish behaviour,” says Carly. “Girls can often get quieter or start to pull back from wanting to share ideas or present at the front in class, but we see both behaviours in all genders, depending on the child.”

“In girls we often see a huge shift in body consciousness around Year 5 and 6, especially if they have to change or wear sports kit for PE. There is frequently a group of girls trying to sneak on a bit of make-up in the toilets before school.”

“You notice that their conversation changes to the different influencers and celebrities on TikTok or Instagram and they will comment on your nails or what your hair looks like – that’s a big shift.”

“With all children you notice that they push boundaries more: they might get a bit cheeky or refuse to do something for the first time.”

Although we understand that it’s brain chemistry that makes our tweens care more about what their peers think, it can feel like rejection when your child values the opinion of another 9-year-old over your own. But because they want to fit in so much at this age, friendship issues and bullying can become a problem and they need your support. They’re not emotionally mature and they feel rejection more keenly than before, so expect navigating friendships to be tricky.

Listening to your child

“At this age listening to your child is so important,” says Carly. “In school we practice the 2x10 strategy, where you spend 2 minutes every day for 10 days really listening to an individual child and asking them questions about what they’re interested in – importantly, not school or what we want them to do.”

Researcher Dr Raymond Wlodkowski suggested that this even this bite-sized attention on your child’s life can help to build connection with you, and improve their behaviour overall.

“What we want is for them to feel able to share any worries with us, and parents could try a similar strategy, crucially only focusing on what the child is interested in.”

Phones, devices and social media

Another issue is life online. Tweens should not be using most social media platforms as there are strict age limits. However, Carly also advises parents to really stay on top of their tween’s device use and social media, in particular - group chats.

“They’re not meant to have social media until they’re 13, but many younger children do. Group chats are such a breeding ground for negative chat and they often don’t understand the difference between banter and bullying. It takes an adult to supervise what they’re putting on it and to help them understand the consequences of what they might be saying.”

The government has indicated that social media will soon be restricted for children under 16, following outright bans in Australia and restrictions in many other countries including France, Spain, Italy and Greece.

For specific advice on how to use parental controls for social media, see our article Five ways to help your teen to spend less time on their screens

How to avoid conflict

The change from a generally content child to a raging pre-teen can seem a sudden change of gears. This can catch parents off guard and how you react may determine how rocky a ride it is going to be.

In an episode of the Bitesize Parenting Teens podcast - comedian Bridget Christie has some advice which is warmly received by host Kerry Godliman and clinical psychologist Dr Martha Deiros Collado. Simply the word "wait".

"Just wait… don't react. Breathe, count, walk. Just chill yourself…" was Bridget's mantra.

When challenged by Kerry who has a different temperament, Bridget suggests that "this is hard but you can train yourself and you must do it, because they don't mean what they're saying or doing…"

Dr Martha agrees saying, "You can still set a boundary. Once things are calm." That then becomes an opportunity to ask them to be nicer next time and to explain how they made you feel and how you might expect that conversation to go in future.

The teenage brain is re-structuring right into the twenties, so the lines are blurred between tween, teen and adult. It’s different for everyone, and gender, neurodiversity and environment all play a part.

Often the start of the tween years, where puberty and a change from primary to secondary education coincide, can trigger changes in your child that feel dramatic. Don’t think that the values you’ve instilled since early childhood are slipping away. Your presence and influence provide a point of stability as your tween and then teen tries out adult ideas.

Remember you’re not alone and that it’s a step on the journey towards independence, just like learning to speak or walk.

Our Parents’ Guide to Teenagers gives you a series of articles to help you navigate this next stage of parenting.

In the Bitesize Parenting Teens podcast host Kerry Godliman is joined by celebrity parents and psychologists to discuss the wonders and woes of raising teenagers, and soon-to-be teenagers. Find it here or search “parenting teens” on BBC Sounds.

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